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Brokeback Mountain

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Jan. 9th, 2006 | 01:31 am

Brokeback Mountain

Starring: Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland and Donnie Darko

Rating: 0 out of 5 high altitude fucks

If you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, perhaps you should not read my review because I'm going to divulge what happens in the beginning, middle, and end. Ready? NOTHING! Nothing happens. It is short meaningless scenes of uncomfortably slow nothingness punctuated by the exact same sad, acoustic guitar rift. Bling blang blang blang.

Critics are describing this movie as a moving and timeless love story for the ages. Am I the only one who noticed that the two characters never once said, "I love you?" Why not? Because there was no love, no romance, no dialogue, no plot. This wasn't a love story, this was a story about two cowboys who drank too much whiskey and ended up kissing and having frantic, disturbing, bareback, spit-shove sex. In short, if you went to A&M, you've seen this movie a hundred times.

In closing, I would like to offer you a suitable alternative to paying to see this piece of half-assed cinema riding the wave of "we gots us some gay characters hiiiiiii-ya!" Here's what you do. Read this next run-on sentence over and over and over again for the next three hours and you will have experienced Brokeback Mountain:

"I want to be with you, no wait I don't, I mean I do or no I don't, I don't know I'm so butch but I want to touch you I can't I will I won't."

This was stolen from sideshovid.com but I couldn't agree more.

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Comments {2}


from: sideshovid
date: Jan. 10th, 2006 04:07 am (UTC)

I must say, I'm extremely flattered. I'm not sure I've ever been quoted on a stranger's blog before. Glad to hear I wasn't the only one who hated that movie. Thanks for reading!

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Re: Wow.

from: sebastine_scott
date: Jan. 10th, 2006 06:58 am (UTC)

The strange part was that you found out I quoted you. That was impressive. How'd u do?

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